Phase Four: Moving Forward by Healing the Past

The next phase in our journey to a spiritual awakening includes Steps Eight and Nine. I consider this phase to be the point in which we begin to move from the old into the new, and it happens right in the middle of Step Eight.

Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. In the big book there are basically no instructions given for Step Eight. It says that we have our list already in Step Four, and then moves into Step Nine.

I personally had harmed a lot more people than I had a resentment towards. My sponsor had me begin with my Step Four list and add the other names, using the same format (5 columns) as I did with Four.

Step Eight should be done in a vacuum. By that I mean focus should be placed solely on this Step, not with an eye on the next one. We are not making a list of people we need to make amends to. We are making a list of all persons we have harmed.

Ask in prayer for your Higher Power to reveal all those you need to place on the list, and dig in. I recommend going back mentally to your first year in preschool or kindergarten, and working your way forward. As in Four, place all those you have harmed on the list. It does not matter if they deserved it, or they harmed you first or if you didn't mean to do it. It doesn't matter if the harm was physical, mental or emotional. If it arises, and you harmed them, place it on the list.

Now we come to the second part of this Step, and it is just as important (and probably more so) than the first part. This is where the true healing work begins. This is where we begin to transmute the past. We become willing to make amends, to repair the damage from the past. Again, in the vacuum, it doesn't matter if we will ever be able to make a direct amends. Some may have passed, some we will never be able to locate, some a direct amends will not be called for, that is not what is important here.

What is important is that we sit (mentally) with each person on the list, we call to mind the infraction, and we become willing to make amends. This should involve doing our best to forgive ourselves for doing the damage and to forgive the other person if they have in turn caused us damage. We use the tools we have gained from the Step Four inventory to trace the behavior to the core fear from which we were acting, and we forgive. And we become willing to heal.

This process may take several sittings, but time is not the factor. We may have found willingness and forgiveness to varying degrees in each instance, so we ask in prayer if our process is complete. We can revisit this list and process later if needed.

Step Nine: Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. This is the Step when we actually move from the past into the future. This may not seem obvious, since we are amending (repairing) the past. But, in effect, what we are doing is being responsible for our actions. We become responsible. We are no longer a prisoner of circumstance. We begin to respond instead of react.

As with Step Eight, there are many subtleties involved with this Step. First, we make “direct” amends. This does not simply mean we make amends “directly to” the person we have harmed, though this may be a factor. We make amends in a straightforward, direct way. This is not a groveling apology, we are not approaching the person to tell them how sorry we are. Our goal is to set right damage we have caused to the best of our ability.

There are several factors involved in this process. The second part of the Step must almost be considered first. Will there be injury to another involved? We cannot repair past damage by creating more. We should not open the wounds of others. Going to a past romantic relationship and apologizing for breaking their heart may not be the best approach.

It is best to work on this Step under the tutelage of a sponsor, someone who has done Step Nine amends and who has an unemotional view. If this is not possible, pray about the amends and ask for guidance, but do not rush out to fix the past in a haphazard way. As it says in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions regarding this Step, prudence is the keyword.

Once it is determined that an amends needs to be made, and that the timing is right, we approach the person and let them know what we are doing. We address the issue in a general way, we do not have to go into specifics. “Hey dad, do you remember when I wrecked your car, and I borrowed that money and didn't pay it back” becomes “Hey dad, I know I have not always been the best son, and that I have been a financial burden at times. I would like to set things right. How can I best go about that to clean up the past.”

We can approach a spouse, and “Hey honey, I cheated on you last year while I was on a business trip” becomes “Honey, I have not always been the best partner, and I am doing my best to clean up my past mistakes. What can I do to be a better husband to you.”

And then we do it, to the best of our ability.

It is important to remember that this isn't about them, its about us. If a person is unwilling to accept amends for the harm, that is their choice. If you feel you have made the effort to the best of your ability, then move on.

The point is we are moving forward, into the future, in a way in which we are responsible for our actions. If someone on our list is deceased, perhaps we visit the graveside. If we stole money from a friend and it is not possible to reach them, perhaps we make a contribution to a charity in their name. My sponsor had me write a letter to each person on my list that I could not reach, telling them what I would say if it was actually in person, and then put the letter in a drawer for six months, at which point I was to pull it out and feel it out to see if amends was made. If so, I was to discard the letter.

Step Nine amends may take varying degress of time to accomplish, there is no need to rush out and do them all at once. But remember Step Eight, and remain willing to make an amends if and when the time is right. Pray about each one, and follow your heart.

It is not required, as with other Steps, to complete Nine before we move into Ten. Some in AA circles call the next three Steps “the maintenance steps”, but in my opinion they go much beyond that. Living the next three Steps will move us forward into a deeper and fuller personal relationship with the God of our own understanding. So Strap in!