Confessions of a Spiritual Seeker

I’m Thomas, and I’m a recovering spiritual seeker. Allow me to explain. I had an experience in my early 20’s that changed my life. It involved psychedelics. For a period of time (can’t tell you how long), I was Home. At one with God. All knowledge was just on the other side of the question. Ask and ye shall receive. I was One with everything. I was everything. After coming back to “myself”, the search began. How do I make it back? I began searching. Magic, religion, philosophy, spirituality, science and drugs. I caught glimpses. Fleeting glimpses. Meditation helped, while I was meditating. Then it was right back to the mundane which I sought to escape. What was the answer? Countless books, aphorisms, koans, mantras. Smoke a bowl and for a few moments I could remember, but then it was lost in a haze, and eventually that stopped working. I accumulated knowledge, lots and lots of knowledge. But the answer wasn’t there. Path after path. One belief system after another. Still, no answer. Deep depression set in. I became a full-blown alcoholic and isolationist, seeking escape from myself, this world, and eventually existence itself. I sat on the edge of oblivion, stared into the pit, and wanted to fall in. I had reached the end of my rope. Then a miracle happened. I let go. The clouds parted, a ray of sunshine. I discovered a pathway which showed me how to find a personal relationship with God, told me it was within that I would find it. That basically, all I needed was a willingness to find it. And I discovered that it had been there all along, I was just too busy searching for it to see it. I began a process of clearing out the things from my mind which obscured the vision, each step requiring willingness and surrender. Surrender of the myriad parts of my mind to the Wholeness which is One ness. self will surrendered to Self will. I undertake this journey daily. Deeper and deeper still. I found that the “ego” mind’s proper place is to observe God’s reality, which unfolds before me as I allow and accept this reality. In other words, it cannot be sought, only found. And suddenly it All made sense. There is no thing to find. Be still, and know.