Phase Two

 

     In order to move beyond the ego mind, we need to come to an understanding of it, and its mechanisms. As one swami or another has said, “you cannot move beyond a thing if you do not know it”. So, in order to know our Self, we need to know the self.

    The following method will form a basis for understanding as we, in subsequent phases, develop a practice of mindfulness. We will begin to see how our actions and our very state of being are dictated by outside forces when we are in ego mind. And as such, we will learn later how to reprogram ourselves to respond from Higher awareness.

      So now we take a searching and fearless inventory, and for this we actually take pen and paper and write it out. It begins by listing resentments, and will consist of five columns.

     In the first column we list the person, institution, or principle which we have a resentment towards. In the second you will list the reason you have the resentment. The third column is what this resentment brings out in you. I will pause here for an example. This may or may not be an example from my inventory: (column one) my older brother – (column two) his controlling behavior – (column three) anger (though usually more than one).

      I encourage you to go through the entire inventory using these three columns first, and then return to the top of the list and complete column four, and then back to the top for column five. If it flows better for you it may be done all the way across. You can always come back and add more to the list later, but search the past and put all on this list that arises for each of the columns.

     For the third column, some inventories suggest using the seven deadly sins. This seems to be a good place to start, but don't limit to these, put whatever arises. Sadness, grief, sense of betrayal, disgust – whatever you feel columns one and two bring out in you.

       In column four we list how we react to the feelings in the third column. Going back to the example, my anger at my brother's controlling behavior makes me rebellious in my actions, causes me to treat him in a mean manner, and causes me to ignore him when he gives suggestions. Again, I find it easier to move all the way down column four, and search through my behavior patterns when these situations arise.

    For column five, focus on each aspect of the previous four columns, then ask yourself what, at the core of the resentment, is the fear it springs from. Sit with it, meditate on it, and find the fear. I could trace each one of my resentments to a core fear. My first sponsor gave me a list of six core fears, and I will pass them on. He also told me not to limit myself to these six, to add whatever I identified the fear to be.

      The six core fears are: 1) fear of not being good enough or less than 2) fear of not belonging or not fitting in 3) fear of being found out 4) fear of not getting what I think I want 5) fear of losing what I think I have 6) fear of the unknown. As I said, this list is a good starting point, but the important thing is that you identify what fear, if any, sits at the core of the resentments and behaviors you have listed in the previous columns.

    Back to the example, my resentment toward my brother and his controlling behavior, the fears (there are usually more than one) I traced this resentment to are not being my own person, which traces to fear of being less than, and fear of not being in control of my life, which traces to not getting what I think I want.

        So this is the process. Pray for your Higher Power to reveal all the things you need to list on the inventory, be thorough, put everything on the list that arises no matter if it seems trivial or too immense, and don't strain yourself in the process (more than necessary). There will more than likely be things that arise later that you did not recall in the first inventory. This is natural and perfectly acceptable. Those will be dealt with in their proper time.

    And now the next step of this phase, and I will begin by imploring you to not skimp on this aspect. We take our list, and we confess our shortcomings to God, to ourselves, and to another person. That's correct, we expose our darkness, we bring it to healing light.

     Of course on my first inventory there were things I didn't want to fully admit to myself, I just wanted to glimpse them and then bury them back where they belonged. Having to air my dirty laundry to another person forced me to come to grips with those things within myself.

     So I sat down with the person I had chosen to assist me, overcame the initial gut wrench, and spilled it out. Once I opened my mouth my past misdeeds spilled out in a torrent.

     When I was done and was leaving the person's house, I noticed almost immediately that I felt physically lighter, as if I were floating. The blockages in my energy field (at least some of them) had been removed, I was vibrating at a more rapid rate. I had been “quickened”.

    I had to come to an understanding of why I did the things that separate me from God's perfection. I had to trace them to the fear at their core, so that as I move forward in my journey I can shine the light on them and choose not to react from fear but respond from inner guidance. And I had to read the entire list, every item, every column, to a peer.

     An important aspect of this step is choosing the proper person to whom to reveal our shadow side. The criteria for the person to choose for this are trust and understanding. Some suggestions are a doctor or psychologist or a close-mouthed friend, a clergy member would also be a good choice. Again, trust and understanding are key. There should be no judgment involved by ourselves or others. We are cleaning house.

     When done completely, without holding back, the cleansing is miraculous. We have come to a better understanding of the limitations we place on ourselves in being controlled by our environment, and have begun to feel real relief from the things which have kept our consciousness stuck in the past.

     In the next phase we learn how to release being controlled by outside forces, and begin to learn the mechanics of operating as Higher mind.

​

from the Lachlen Paul French translation of The Gospel According to

 Thomas, passage 6

​

When you stand in truth, you “face the sun” and you allow light
[true Awareness] to clean you of shadow areas in the ego persona;
those mental and behavioral habit patterns that are constantly seeking
reinforcement and repeated validation, that consistently
make slaves of the children of earth, who are under their dark and
heavy burden. Arise and throw off the bonds of deception and “sleep,”
which maintain that stagnating, primitive ego facade.
Take the first conscious step. It is all important. Wake up with Intentions.
Because the first step of your ascension toward Self [toward your interior life]
is the death knell for the old life [that external focus on ego appetites]…