Phase Four
Now that we've found some balance within the present, it is time to begin to repair damage from the past. In order to move forward in a wholistic way, we need to release the hold that the past has by repairing to the best of our ability any damage we have left behind, and we do this in two steps.
First, we make a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them. We ask in prayer for the Holy Spirit to reveal all those we need to place on the list, and we dig in. For this we can begin with the inventory that we made for the second phase of the journey, using the same format.
I recommend going back mentally to your first year in preschool or kindergarten, and working your way forward. Place all those you have harmed on the list. It does not matter if they deserved it, or they harmed you first or if you didn't mean to do it. It doesn't matter if the harm was physical, mental or emotional. If you harmed them and it arises, place it on the list.
Now we come to the second part of this step. This is where the true healing work begins. This is where we begin to transmute the past. We become willing to make amends, to repair the damage from the past. We sit (mentally) with each person on the list, we call to mind the infraction, and we become willing to make amends. We bring forgiveness to our self for doing the damage and to the other person if they have in turn caused us damage. We use the tools we have gained from the phase two inventory to trace the behavior to the core fear from which we were acting, and we forgive. And we become willing to heal. This should involve, if possible, the presence of unconditional love, for yourself and the others involved.
This may take several sittings, but time is not the factor. We may have found willingness and forgiveness to varying degrees in each instance, so we ask in prayer if our process is complete. We can revisit this list and process later if needed.
And now the second step of this phase. We make direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would harm the person involved or others. This is the step when we actually move from the past into the present. This may not seem obvious, since we are amending (repairing) the past. But, in effect, what we are doing is being responsible for our actions. We become responsible. We are no longer a prisoner of circumstance, we take ownership. We begin to respond instead of react. We are claiming our sovereignty.
There are many subtleties involved with this step. First, we make “direct” amends. This does not simply mean we make amends “directly to” the person we have harmed, though this may be a factor. We make amends in a straightforward, direct way. This is not a groveling apology, we are not approaching the person to tell them how sorry we are. Our goal is to set right damage we have caused to the best of our ability.
The second part of the step must be considered first. Will there be injury to another involved? We cannot repair past damage by creating more. We should not open the wounds of others. Going to a past romantic relationship and apologizing for breaking their heart may not be the best approach.
And so, prudence is key to this part of the process. We are working to restore our wholeness, our integrity. Pray about the amends and ask for guidance, but do not rush out to fix the past in a haphazard way. If it is determined that action is required, focus on each amends to ensure that the timing is proper. If it is possible, seek tutelage from someone who was gone through an amends process.
Once it is determined that action needs to be made, and that the timing is right, we approach the person and let them know what we are doing. We address the issue in a general way, we do not have to go into specifics. “Hey dad, do you remember when I wrecked your car, and I borrowed that money and didn't pay it back” becomes “Hey dad, I know I have not always been the best son, and that I have been a financial burden at times. I would like to set things right. How can I best go about that to clean up the past.”
We can approach a spouse, and “Hey honey, I cheated on you last year while I was on a business trip” becomes “Honey, I have not always been the best partner, and I am doing my best to clean up my past mistakes. What can I do to be a better husband to you?”
And then we do it, to the best of our ability.
It is important to remember that this process is about cleaning up our past. If a person is unwilling to accept amends for the harm, that is their choice. When you feel you have made the effort to the best of your ability and integrity has been restored, the process is complete.
The point is we are moving forward, into the future, in a way in which we are responsible for our actions. Amends may take varying degrees of time to accomplish, there is no need to rush out and do them all at once. But it is important to remember the first step of this phase and to remain willing to make an amends if and when the time is right. Pray about each one, and follow the guidance you receive.
from the Lachlen Paul French translation of The Gospel According to Thomas, passage 84
Stop the endless criticism of yourself and others, even in your mind. Let everyone be... especially yourself.
Let peace flow between you and others, and between your thoughts. The I AM will provide whatever you need to learn from experience. You are the judge of no one, so let judging go away from you.
And be gentle on yourself.
However, give yourself some disciplines to refine your nature.
As you do, your refinements will become you;
they will give birth to new growth, ever new expansion, and new disciplines. Your greatest endeavor is in Loving yourself—and others—through
loving expansiveness. You actually Assist others on their life paths,
and your own as well, by taking charge of pointless appetites,
which make others stumble as your lives touch.
Your Expansive Kindness, however, inspires other people’s lives
with a love from Above.
When your love goes out to others, it returns again to you a hundred fold, becoming the Grace to you that it was to them.
In doing these things you become a clear LENS and a clean VESSEL through which the Original Being may work the wonders
of the Infinite One ... in you.